It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
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Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
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My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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