I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
