just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
