So gin and wine won't be happening again
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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