260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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