oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just cropdusted the office
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Semen is not good for contacts.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
