I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
