FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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