I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
