I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
What a dumb baby whore.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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