I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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