If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
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Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
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I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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