After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
