there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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