Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The uberlube is also flammable
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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