so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
pop tarts are not kleenex
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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