I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I wear drunk well.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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