there's paper in my vomit.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
