she looked like the bat from fern gully.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
