For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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