She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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