Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
