cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
