omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
