Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
