My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
