It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
