god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
