When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
