Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize