Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
