My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
