dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
