It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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