How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
