I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
