You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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