I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
