My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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