FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
