Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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