What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
