I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
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you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
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there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
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