I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
