Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
