very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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