Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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