Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
