i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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