i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
