I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
