Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
