Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
