My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
