That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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