Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You made out with two different species that night
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
