I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
