you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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