I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
