So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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